Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
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It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.