Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
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When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator