“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
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When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
I only look at Wordle for the articles
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.