internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
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I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Did my cat write this
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Every time.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Breaking news:
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?