And they lived apathetically ever after.
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Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”