When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
You Might Also Like
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
the best thing i’ve ever made
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Happy Caturday!
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”