Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
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There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Friends that check up on you >
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.