One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
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[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa