SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
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if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Generation gap…
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*