A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
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Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda