Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
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Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Very problematic
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.