I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
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Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
British websites use biscuits.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.