Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
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so much to do
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them