Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
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“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
This kid will have a bright future.
I don’t get marriage
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Eating my way out of the ball pit.