At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
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Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.