Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
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A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Sell your car
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
c’mon!