Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
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Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where鈥檚 your car
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn鈥檛 sound challenging enough.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don鈥檛 make me see other people
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I鈥檓 just out walking my dog, lady.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 馃憫
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Death: I鈥檓 coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I鈥檓 not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You鈥檙e not even that hot.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
aaaaartichokes. you鈥檙e welcome.