I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
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Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be