Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
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every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
(2022)
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over