*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
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your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Netflix and you sit over there.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
He died doing what he loved: being alive