COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
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Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
a badder mouse
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.