My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
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me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Herpes is trending, good job people
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”