I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
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Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.