Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
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My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Current mood: Potato
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.