Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
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bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.