Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
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figuring out my emotional availability:
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.