people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
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Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Woke up against my better judgment again
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
mariah carrie
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.