Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
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. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Become ungovernable.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
I put the p in pants.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
what it’s like dating me:
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”