Cool shirt 🙂
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Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
My dad teaching me to drive
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.