“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
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You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Happy thanksgiving