Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
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who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.