Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
You Might Also Like
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.