[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
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Women鈥檚 version: Body Soap
Men鈥檚: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
I do believe I鈥檓 an Empath. I can always sense when someone I鈥檓 attacking is in a bad mood.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
my mom has been using 馃挦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it鈥檚 so quiet in here.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…馃槀馃惍馃悜
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they鈥檒l have adequate handcuffs.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.