The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
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Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
this country is so goddamn polarized
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?