Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
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i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
lmaaaaaooooooooo
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti