*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
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[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.