I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
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“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Just say no
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.