You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
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Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.