We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
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IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
So creative 😂
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….