[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
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lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.