We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
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[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
why no one uses midhusbands
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember