I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
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The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.