what’s the point then??
You Might Also Like
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet