Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
You Might Also Like
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank