I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
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Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
hi why am I like this
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them