Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
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I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.