Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
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There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
#Caturday
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*