Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
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I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .