[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
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Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
I have a place for everything. The floor.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”