If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
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Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like